YvonneSuicidal- lady outside- distraught
The sun’s rays ride the air current to warm the skin. Such a beautiful contrast to the crisp coolness of the water that surround the feet. The breeze blows the hair that carries the sweet scent of the nearby cherry blossoms as the music plays. The hands brush the delicate grass nearby as a tiny bunny nibbles on its goodness. Birds chirp merrily on a branch above. The world vibrates with life. So full. It’s bursting to sing a song. I stand in the water surrounded by life’s notes like a Beethoven’s sonata. Melodious strings and piano fill my ears, wrapping around me. But it can’t get in. Just like the sun, the air, the water, the life, it can’t get in.
And it tries. The music looks for cracks and crevasses to penetrate down deep into my soul. Some of it gets in. Hooray tiny notes! Husah for you! You made it through only to be sucked into the darkness. The void my soul calls home. You are not enough to fill it. The sunlight is not enough to overcome my darkness. The air isn’t strong enough to blast away the blackness. I sink to my knees in the chilly water. The cold doesn’t bother me. I have always been surrounded by the cold.
Or no not always. Somewhere in the memories of this husk there was warmth. Yes! Yes, there was warmth. Once. It flitters at the edges of the mind and my heart twinges. It, no, her, yes, her. She was the warmth, my light and my sweet… My sweet. Yes, she was sweet, until she was wretched away from me. Ripped apart and left broken like a brat’s discarded toy after a temper tantrum. The chill creeped back in. The music stopped piercing my heart. I sit down in the cold-water stinging, nipping at my breast.
It hurts now. Not the cold. Oh no, the heat, the air, the smells, the sounds. They all hurt because I knew. I knew what it was supposed to be. I knew how full and robust life should be. A shadow was cast over me just like the shadow I cast over her tiny frame. My eyes couldn’t make out the difference between the red blood, the white bone, or the raven hair. She deserved light. She should have never been born to darkness. Carefully, I moved each limb in place, wiped the blood from her face and gently picked her up. She deserves this light, not me. I deserve to be swallowed by the void that is eating away at me. There it is, the shadow, he looms.
“She knew better,” the shadow growls. “You should have kept her safe. You deserve to be in her place,” he says.
“You’re right,” I replied as the music stops. I move back to my knees and pick up the limb doll I laid on the river bank. Even now her warmth tries to reach me as I clutch her to my bosom. Just like that, the water engulfs us. We sink into the murky depths as the final tendrils of the void consume us both.
(alFalaq, for some reason, lost the beginning of this piece. LOL)
Burning pain stabs through the meat of my left arm. It feels like fire is raging inside my very bone. Daring a glance, I see my shoulder, too close to my face and out of focus. Beyond that, my quivering bicep, spasming randomly with each renewed gust of blazing pain. Beyond that, a tangle of red flesh and torn skin, wet and sloppy with blood. Nothing else. My head swims in and out of focus and heaviness lies on me like a two-ton weight. I’m not sure if my lungs are capable of breathing for much longer, or if they have been crushed in the fall. I came here from the tree, visible a good distance above. I remember having been in the tree. I twist my eyes back up in its direction. My temple throbs with the effort. The ragged form still sways, a dark fruit under the mass of leaves. Corrina was still there, in the tree. She had gone through with it. Just as she had promised. Just like everything she had ever said to or done with me. She had brought consistency and believeability to my world, a person who always did what she said, reliable and true. She was the counterbalance to my frivolous, noncommittal habits. I loved her. I needed her. There could be no real world without her, just the wavering, suffocating gel of my shadow world, so despondent and untrustworthy. I became real with her. Gained substance, was allocated a real spot in the world of people, a place where reality and expectation were real. Pain was shooting through the center of my head, somewhere in the back of my skull. It felt like jelly against the rocks. My eyes lingered on the scene above, a macabre fruit dangling in an un-felt breeze. My reality was there, a real world and a savior crucified on living wood. Once again, she had succeeded where I could not follow through. True, always, to her word.
How could someone of such light and heart ever have been convinced to follow a path such as this. The end of the path was evident, even defined early on. She knew where it all was leading, but she came willingly, like the Holy Lamb. I guess, for once, I had finally found my place of power, some type of strange gravity that drew her along and, knowing what I knew, I stayed the course. All of any number of times I should have strayed, abandoned ship, aborted the mission, I couldn’t. The one thing in the world that ever offered any value at all to my existence was in peril by my own design and I knew it and I just could not sway from what I knew I was doing. Bastard. Pain like living flames burned inside the arm I no longer had, pushing all reality to the edges of my consciousness. My heart beat pounded in the rent flesh like a mallet. Serves you right, asshole. I look skyward. Corrina’s form floats above me, swaying under the verdant canopy of leaves like a child in lay in summer, dangling from the noose. I gave up and fell; she followed through and swayed in the breeze. Reaching out with my mind, I try to feet the detached portion of my arm. Sensing it, I form an image: the bloody stump of forearm dangling somewhere, the lifeless hand still stubbornly clutching some outcropping or limb where I had thought I could save myself. Coward. Ever in life, a coward. In death, a coward. Corrina, courageous in her love for me, danced side to side above my misting eyes.
Image: Vampire bathed in blood and carnage
Feeling: Out of control
The melody of experience.
I stretch languidly upon a limb high above the lives below and listen to the rhythms of existence below.
Immersed in my own imaginings of the passersby beneath.
High hummingbird like fluttering of a first kiss
Deep, staccato stomps of anger
Slow, slithering slaps of depression.
It all blends and becomes white noise
Yet, every once and a while, like an off-key note in a symphony, this will peak through
It’s like their cells are sunbathed in illumination
And like a moth to a flame, I am drawn in.
A voyeur, it starts with wanting to witness but morphs into wanting to share.
Yet, intrusion is rarely welcomed with opened arms.
Once sensed, trepidation is introduced.
The pace quickens and fear spikes.
Like cayenne in gumbo or lemon pepper on wings, the flavor whets my mouth.
That’s a dangerous thing
A gnawing, destructive, selfish thing.
It destroys sense
any definition of the word
navigates all action until its end is met
Until bathed in victory
Soaked in effort
Finally cognizant and drenched in the aftermath